Janglish

In the US, there is a famous trend of foolish people getting kanji characters tattooed on themselves, only to find out that it means something completely different (or total gibberish) much later. It is probably embarrassing for them. It is hilarious for the rest of us.

Bro, you’re definitely less cool than you think.

Fortunately for our collective amusement, this cultural misunderstanding happily goes both directions. Having English expressions on shirts seems to be a fashion of choice for some groups over on this side of the Pacific. Here is my first attempt to document. Yes, lots of people do actually wear this kind of stuff.

Enjoy.

This one is actually Japanese characters. But they attempted to translate for the benefit of tourists. Which is how we get to "I have a bomb on my knee"

This one is actually Japanese characters. But they attempted to translate for the benefit of tourists. Which is how we get to “I have a bomb on my knee”

This was disappointingly straightforward on the inside.

This was disappointingly straightforward on the inside.

"If you wouldn't mind, I would like to blew"

“If you wouldn’t mind, I would like to blew”

"Actually all around for romantic life"

“Actually all around for romantic life”

"Expression Condition Course Ability of Self Retain Control". Way ahead, read more!

“Expression Condition Course Ability of Self Retain Control”. Way ahead, read more!

"Balmy sound"

“Balmy sound”

Apparently this one has been circulating since 1975:

"Say one's wish Magic  word Favor upgrading relations"

“Say one’s wish Magic word Favor upgrading relations”

And this one since 1976:

"It raises graund rigid adherence". I always knew that's what happened to graund.

“It raises graund rigid adherence”. I always knew that’s what happened to graund.

And this one since… 1936? What? No. WRONG. Cut. Veto. You’ve been voted off the island.

"The reason the sea was made, It is hidden in somewhere in this big, big sea"

“The reason the sea was made, It is hidden in somewhere in this big, big sea”

Dang! I was going to taking out commodity of 2nd floor for make good souvenir of America back to. But the prohibition taking out, no!!

Dang! I was want commodity taking out of 2nd floor for make good souvenir of wear America back to. But the prohibition taking out so there will be trouble got. Nooooo!!

All you gives need real thing love!! Super touching.

All you gives need real thing love!! Super touching.

Yo guys, this is how to look like a joke school gang leader. First, be a cat. Second, have stylin' shades. Third, plaster the word "fashionable" across your body. Otherwise how will people know that you are fashionable?! Seriously, I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

Yo guys, this is how to look like a joke school gang leader. First, be a cat. Second, have stylin’ shades. Third, plaster the word “fashionable” across your body. Otherwise how will people know that you are fashionable?! Seriously, I shouldn’t have to explain this to you.

DON'T THINK! They feel something in their heart.

DON’T THINK! They feel something in their heart.

I am lucky. Therefore, it is pleasure. That is actually a remarkably straightforward assessment. Thank you, shirt. You have clarified my understanding of the universe.

I am lucky. Therefore, it is pleasure. That is actually a remarkably straightforward assessment. Thank you, shirt. You have clarified my understanding of the universe.

You’ll also be pleased to know that the government is not immune to this phenomenon. This bus stop has been correctly labelled and translated:

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This one, on the other hand, appears to have acquired a bit of a local accent. Oops.

 

 

 

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There is no shortage of content for this stuff. I think we can safely say that there will be opportunities for a sequel to this particular post.

Posted in Living in Japan | Leave a comment

A casual Monday evening in Tokyo

Some day, I will write a bit about how Japanese society is portrayed in American media, and how we tend to heavily overemphasize the strange/weird/extreme, resulting in a stereotype that gives an incomplete/inaccurate portrayal of what the country is really all about.

I said some day. Today is not that day.

Instead, we’re going to talk about a decidedly bizarre institution called the “Robot Restaurant”. The Robot Restaurant is one of several themed dining establishments in Tokyo. Others include an Alice in Wonderland restaurant, a cat cafe (where you drink coffee and hang out with a bunch of felines), a goat cafe, a prison theme restaurant, and many more.

Quaint and inviting!

The Robot Restaurant may best be described as every Tokyo stereotype rolled into one full-throttle experience. It’s an hour and a half of massive overstimulation, nonsensical happenings, and loosely controlled pandemonium.

The restaurant managers were interested in listing their show on the Voyagin website so they comped us a few show tickets to come check it out. Sweet perk. A couple of us headed down after work on Monday, including my friend Jossie who was stopping through town for a quick visit.

The restaurant is located in the Kabukicho district, a short walk from Shinjuku station. You may remember Shinjuku’s claim to fame as being the busiest train station in the world. This is an appropriate setting for what is to come.

The street leading up to the restaurant

The street leading up to the restaurant

The lobby was blinged out in a total mishmash of designs, patterns, and colors. Even the air vent is covered in shiny jewels.

Panoramic shot

Panoramic shot. Click for full glory.

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When it’s time for your show, you descend 2 levels through an Alice-in-Wonderland-esque stairwell, bombarded with a barrage of images from every direction, including the floor and ceiling.

The seating was laid out in arena style with the floor left open for later chaos. Food and drink are brought out, and you’re left to chit-chat for a bit with the Australian tourists next to you. Because, let’s be serious, real Japanese people don’t come to this kind of establishment.

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Then the show begins. It took us a while to figure out that taking photos and video was actually allowed for some reason so we’ll build into it.

The first act was, and I’m going to sound ridiculous describing this, but: a pole dance on top of a robot with a taiko drum show and marching band going at the same time. Trust me that it gets much stranger.

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(Japanese readers: I’m going to apologize in advance for how out of control the writing gets in this section. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the pictures either way.)

The second act had perhaps the most intricate plot. It was a tale of woe and triumph, of struggle and conquest, of pride and loyalty with ever-changing protagonists yanking at our heartstrings in the noble pursuit of good vanquishing evil.

Or something.

Here’s the full rundown:

Step 1 — a bunch of evil gladiator robots come out, dance to techno, and fake-smash things for a while

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Step 2 — A giant panda bear comes to fight the gladiators. He is promptly knocked out.

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Step 3 — The giant panda returns, this time fueled by a thirst for revenge and having enlisted the assistance of a ferocious bovine ally. Joining forces as friends and teammates, they are able to vanquish the first foe.

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Step 4 — A warrior lady appears, modestly dressed in the form of Captain America. This makes sense since we are 5000 miles away from America. She bravely challenges several enemies simultaneously, furthering the cause with additional casualties.

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Step 5 — It’s time to deliver the closing blow. As if delivered straight from Jurassic Park itself, our final heroine boldly strides in riding a Stegosaurus and wrecking ball-ish weapon object thing, and crushes the remaining robots with a blow that sends them hurtling across the room at warp speed.

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The battle is won. Earth is saved. A solitary tear trickles down the cheek of each member of the audience as they silently contemplate the existential beauty of the poetic scene they have just witnessed.

Other notable occurrences throughout the evening:

Glow sticks are given out for maximum audience participation

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Giant cyborg femme-bots appear as, apparently, a means of transportation

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People fly around above the audience

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Scott and Yuki hang out by the femme bots

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Scott and Jossie get an affectionate hug from another giant bot

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And have some bonus content too. Enjoy.

Posted in Living in Japan | Leave a comment

Musings and how-to on RTW plane tickets

To date, this blog has been primarily about recent travel updates, major life choices being made in rapid succession, and vague assurances that I haven’t been kidnapped yet. Now that some stability has crept in and life becomes a little more mundane*, I’m going to start interjecting periodic posts on general interest topics or random things that come to mind. Maybe because it’s interesting, maybe because it’s my blog and you can’t stop me.

*By stable and mundane, we mean I don’t know what country I’m going to be living in 2 months from now. This is legitimately getting tiring.

On that note, one question that came up a lot before/during/after my world voyage earlier this year was about what kind of ticket it was on. It does turn out that there is a special ticket for around the world trips, so I’ll explain a bit more about how that works.

This also starts to venture into a side sub-goal that I had for this blog. A lot of people have dreams of doing some crazy trip of some sort, and I’d love to help demystify this process a bit and provide the resources/motivation to get a few of you to go out there and actually DO it (around the world is one example, but we can cover more broadly useful travel tips in future posts).

Please feel free also to get in touch directly if you want to ask more detailed questions or explore ideas. This includes you, random people finding the site through Google*.

*30ish% of visitors to this site by this point are coming in through search. Most are very likely not finding whatever it is they’re looking for, but it’s amusing nonetheless. Most importantly for our collective entertainment, WordPress also tracks the specific terms used to arrive here. Some personal favorites:

    • mario “queen of the circus”
    • charles addis who saved a life <– apparently there was a heroic naval officer named Charles Addis who saved a woman from drowning. My friend Charles who lives in Addis Ababa is totally taking credit for this.
    • delhi slum girls study
    • people needing to go to the bathroom
    • louis vuitton thailand
    • https://sehpayne.wordpress.com/2013/01/20/hiroshima-japan-january-15/ <— my posting is the #1 hit for this search term!! Success!!!
    • australia ganges naked <– wrong continent, bro
    • expat having a baby in addis
    • “carrying firewood” <— to the best of my recollection, this phrase appears precisely nowhere on this site. How did you achieve this, mysterious stranger?
    • naga babas playing with their penis
    • guiness records holder in indian army
    • ethiopian call girls 
    • Яхта dubai
    • submissive haircut <— I don’t want to know. At all.

Anyway. Back to topic.

How to buy round the world (RTW) tickets

As mentioned above, there is actually a special ticket for RTW trips. The most prominent ones are sold by one of the three major airline alliances (Star Alliance, SkyTeam, One World). 

The rules vary a bit by which ticket you buy but the basic premise is: for a flat rate, you get a ticket to circle the globe on that alliance’s network. There will be some fine print, like: you have to always be moving the same direction, you have a maximum number of stops or miles, yadda yadda whatever. Usually these tickets are about $5000 or redemption of ~200,000 airline miles.

My trip earlier this year was done using the Star Alliance RTW ticket, purchased with 180,000 United miles. This ticket allows for 6 stops over a period of time up to one year, using any airline on the network. My specific route for this ticket was:

    • Chicago to Tokyo on United
    • Tokyo to Cairns on United
    • Sydney to Bangalore on Thai Airways (this particular ticket allows for one “open jaw”, which is a route disconnect such as my Cairns-Sydney here. Otherwise you had to go in and out of the same city)
    • Bangalore to Dubai on Singapore Airlines
    • Dubai to Addis Ababa on Ethiopian Airlines
    • Addis Ababa to London on Ethiopian Airlines
    • London to Chicago on United

Pricing this route as a multi-city trip on kayak.com gives you a total cost of about $12000, so the value of the special ticket type is pretty clear. Note that this doesn’t cover every single location visited — I was basically using the main ticket as a way to get between major regions, then covered additional destinations with separate tickets on local airlines.

Those additional flights cost an average of ~$100/flight on airlines such as Air Asia, Air India, flydubai, and Virgin Australia. These are all regional discount carriers, so it makes a lot more sense to just pay up for those as opposed to burn one of the precious 6 stops.

Advantages and disadvantages of the RTW ticket

Aside from cost, there are some big advantages of buying the RTW ticket:

    • A common provider: when handling reservations on airlines all over the world, it’s pretty helpful to only have to deal with one entity for the primary ticket. Ticket changes in particular would have been a world of pain if there wasn’t a central desk handling all of it. Also, as a frequent flier on United, it was pretty awesome to be able to use the Star Gold status to get the perks everywhere! (quick tip: lounge at Tokyo Narita = the bomb. Lounge at Addis Ababa = not so much)
    • Nutty destinations: I didn’t go too too crazy on this, but one use of the RTW ticket is to get to destinations that are difficult or prohibitively expensive otherwise. If you’ve always wanted to go to Madagascar or Easter Island or something, this gives you a chance to do it and have your only currency use be one of your ticket’s “stops”.
    • You can buy it on miles: Because most of us don’t have several grand in cash just casually sitting around.

Making it rain!!

So, overall, it’s a pretty sweet setup. On the flip side, the big downside is that it’s not a particularly flexible ticket. This causes some a few areas of pain:

    • You get last priority for seats: RTW tickets are treated as saver awards in the airline systems. Practically speaking, that means you’re only getting a seat if they’re pretty damn confident the plane isn’t going to sell out. On some routes, that’s fine. In general, you have to be reaaaaaally flexible on dates, times, and routes. One particularly unfortunate version of my ticket (modified later) had a route that went from Cairns (Australia) to Bangalore (India) via 3 stops in: Guam, Fukuoka, and Bangkok.
This would have taken 2 full days. Not exactly the most direct route.

This would have taken 2 full days. Not what we would call the most direct route.

    • Booking and modifications can only be done by phone: Since this is a special ticket, there’s no way to do it online. It’s about an hour on the phone each time, in between hold time and the “yeaaaaaaaaah pretty sure you’re mega-stranded… wait, nope, I found a ticket that routes through Iran and Siberia, you’re totally good to go” dramatic moments. This is a minor inconvenience during planning. While abroad, it involves a lot of begging someone at home and pretending that they don’t have better ways to spend their entire afternoon. Thank you, Mom.
    • It’s hard to change: I was saved by the airline status (free ticket changes) but otherwise would have been hit with several hundred dollars of fees for edits made along the way. My very first piece of advice for anyone considering a RTW trip is: you’re going to need WAY more flexibility than you think. Be prepared to either eat this cost or find a different ticket type.

True experts at this stuff will have other tricks up their sleeves to avoid purchasing the prepackaged RTW ticket. Free stopovers, promotions, stuff like that. If you’re into that, go for it. But for a straightforward approach that saves a lot of money, I was very satisfied with this particular purchase.

Conclusion with a fun thought exercise: if you could take your 6 stops anywhere in the world… where would you go?

Happy journeys!

Posted in Round the world trip 2013, Travel Tips | 1 Comment

An end to homelessness

The last several months have been a great experience but also a major roller coaster. I moved out of my place in Chicago at the end of December, and was homeless for quite some time thereafter. Between the round the world trip (3 months), time in the US (~6 weeks of crashing on couches or with family), and some settling time in Tokyo* before I got a place (~6 weeks), it was a full 6 months until finally moving in to a new place at the end of June.

*I was staying in a hostel called Ace Inn, same place I had stayed on the January trip to Tokyo. It’s fine for a short stay, and stupid cheap, but not exactly an ideal long-term living situation:

The setup. It's a capsule-style hotel. I paid up ($40/night vs $30) to get on the floor that had the desks. The  lower floors were even more crammed than this. Advantage was that most of the time, people were going for the cheaper option so I generally had most of the floor to myself.

The setup. It’s a capsule-style hotel. I paid up ($40/night vs $30) to get on the floor that had the desks. The lower floors were even more crammed than this. Advantage was that most of the time, people were going for the cheaper option so I generally had most of the floor to myself.

The bed. The mattress is like 3 inches thick. Ferociously uncomfortable. The bottom bunk opens the other direction so there's another desk on the other side.

The bed. The mattress is like 3 inches thick. Ferociously uncomfortable. The bottom bunk opens the other direction so there’s another desk on the other side.

So, that was not awesome. Ideally I would have been out of there much more quickly. Of course, apartment hunting in a foreign country is also a bit of a challenge.

Aside from a 2-week trip to Singapore breaking up the process, it also took some time to get the lay of the land. The Japanese rental process is a bit different than in the US. There are generally not requirements for lease lengths, which is cool since I don’t really know how long I’m going to be here (more on that later). However, they get you hard in some other ways.

Basically, any time you want to start a lease for an apartment in Tokyo, there are 3 things you need to pay up front:

Agency fee: a commission for whatever real estate agency helped you find the place. Usually about 1 month’s rent.

Shiki-kin: this seems to basically be like the security deposit in the US, to be used as a reserve against the damage you and your crazy friends are going to cause. Generally another 1-2 months worth of rent, and it sounds like it’s a little harder to get it all back at the end. Who knows.

Reikin: this is the ridiculous one. It gets referred to as “key money” but literally translates as “gift money”. Apparently the idea of it is to give a gift to your landlord (another 1-2 months rent) to show your gratitude for allowing him to let you move in. Or something incredibly stupid like that.

Hey there! You seem like a cool guy. Have a stack of cash!

So, to summarize: if you get an apartment, you can stay as long as you want. But it might cost you a couple thousand bucks up front just to get in the door.

Conclusion:

I opted to go the share house route instead. Share houses are a setup where a bunch of people live in one house with shared common areas (kitchen, living room, etc). It’s kind of like a dorm but for big kids. They also have none of the up-front money other than a security deposit, and you can leave whenever you want with 30 days notice. Much nicer arrangement.

Share houses are pretty common in Tokyo as a way to cut down on the total living space needed. This is important.

Because it’s kinda crowded, yo

Quality of course varies dramatically based on the setup, other tenants, house rules, etc. After looking at a few places, I eventually snapped up one in the Akabanebashi neighborhood right at the base of Tokyo Tower (which was, until the opening of Tokyo Sky Tree a few years ago, the tallest building in Japan).

No, but like really, right at the base. It’s awesome.

The view out my window

The view out my window

View from the rooftop, in what undoubtedly ranks in the top 5 for most flattering pictures of me ever taken

View from the rooftop, in what undoubtedly ranks in the top 5 for most flattering pictures of me ever taken

To address a question up front: yes, this is basically an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. But one caveat, and this is important: this one is 8m taller. BOOM, TAKE THAT FRANCE!

Note that originality in architecture is not valued highly around here.

And now, a barrage of random photos of the place:

Entrance of the building. Remodeling was just finished in June so everything is in fancy shiny new form, and all the residents are new as well.

Entrance of the building. Remodeling was just finished in June so everything is in fancy shiny new form, and all the residents are new as well.

Kitchen (photo credits go to my buddy JingJing, who seems to have decided not to send me any that he is also in. Now I just look like I'm vain and have paparazzi follow me literally everywhere. Thanks man.)

Kitchen (photo credits go to my buddy JingJing, who seems to have decided not to send me any that he is also in. Now I just look like I’m vain and have paparazzi follow me literally everywhere. Thanks man.)

Ok, I lied. But he's too shy to show his face. Anyway, here's the rest of the roof view.

Ok, I lied. But he’s too shy to show his face. Anyway, here’s the rest of the roof view.

Room. It's not huge, but it works. Size is about 8.5 square meters. Whatever that means. The metric system is kind of ruining me.

Room. It’s not huge, but it works. Size is about 8.5 square meters. Whatever that means. The metric system is kind of ruining me.

Common area TV room. Japanese TV is fantastic to watch with other foreigners. We collectively have no idea what's going on, besides to know that it is clearly absurd.

Common area TV room. Japanese TV is fantastic to watch with other foreigners. It usually involves a comically simple activity (example: a guy trying to pick a lock. We, no joke, actually saw a half-hour game show about this) with a bunch of commentators getting really, really into it. I have this vague suspicion that it would be much less entertaining if we actually understood the language.

Being an Asian house, we are required to take shoes off at the entry and store them in a cubby.

Being an Asian house, we are required to take shoes off at the entry and store them in a cubby. This rule was stated very forcefully. Apparently in this time of year, the heat and humidity combine to make…some very smelly shoes.

The trash system is the most complicated thing I've ever seen. We have separate bins for regular trash, plastic bottles, other plastic, cans, and "unburnable garbage" (which I think means electronics or something). This is the sorting system city-wide, but it's hard to realize because you never, ever, ever, and I mean ever, see garbage cans in public spaces.

The trash system is the most complicated thing I’ve ever seen. We have separate bins for regular trash, plastic bottles, other plastic, cans, and “unburnable garbage” (which I think means electronics or something). This is the sorting system city-wide, but it’s hard to realize because you never, ever, ever, and I mean ever, see garbage cans in public spaces.

Fancy high-tech laundry with no English. The first attempt to do laundry involved me and a European guy pressing a bunch of buttons with no success, and eventually giving up and waiting for a Japanese speaker to come home. It turns out to be pretty easy -- there is no hot wash (cold only) and the machine auto-calculates the optimum duration, water level, etc, by doing initial measurements on the clothes. Faaaaaancy!

Fancy high-tech laundry with no English. The first attempt to do laundry involved me and a European guy pressing a bunch of buttons with no success, and eventually giving up and waiting for a Japanese speaker to come home. It turns out to be pretty simple — there is no hot wash (cold only) and the machine auto-calculates the optimum duration, water level, etc, by doing initial measurements on the clothes. Spiffy.

We also have one of those mega-fancy Japanese toilets with way too many controls on them.

We also have one of those mega-fancy Japanese toilets with way too many controls on them.

The aforementioned high-tech toilet comes with one particular feature that causes trouble at this time of year. Specifically, it has a heated seat. This is a common feature in Japanese toilets, and it’s remarkably luxurious when it’s freezing out in the middle of winter.

It is NOT so fun when it’s 90 degrees* and humid in the middle of summer, specifically because we can’t figure out how to turn it off. As it turns out, the damn thing gives off so much heat that it noticeably elevates the temperature of the whole room. It’s boiling hot in there.

So, just picture this. You go in, do your business, you’re there for like 5-10 minutes, and you come out… totally dripping in sweat. How awkward is that, man? It’s pretty seriously weird. This is where you just scram and get yourself to an air conditioned room before anyone looks at you too funny.

*Yeah, 90 degrees. Take your metric system and shove it.

We've got 20ish rooms in total, spread over 4 floors. All the common areas are on my floor, which is great for socializing and terrible for productivity. It's about half Japanese and half foreign so far, though most people speak English. Since it's a new building, we're still filling up the rooms. We shall see how packed it gets once that happens!

We’ve got 20ish rooms in total, spread over 4 floors. All the common areas are on my floor, which is great for socializing and terrible for productivity. It’s about half Japanese and half foreign so far, though most people speak English. Since it’s a new building, we’re still filling up the rooms.

A few doors away. Not shabby. Generally speaking, this is a pretty nice part of town with a lot of foreign presence. For example, we are near a bunch of embassies, the closest one being...Afghanistan! I'll have to go make some friends there.

A few doors away. Not shabby. Generally speaking, this is a pretty nice part of town with a lot of foreign presence. For example, we are near a bunch of embassies, the closest one being…Afghanistan! I’ll have to go make some friends there.

So that’s home for a while.

And with that, a life update. After much discussion over the last couple months, the fine folks at Voyagin have decided to relocate the company to Singapore. It’s a great move for the business as the product rapidly expands across Asia. The English-speaking market, strong startup community, convenient travel hub, and pan-Asian press all combine to make this a great destination to grow from.

However, for me personally, the idea of hitting the road again after just getting settled again wasn’t ideal. There will be several months of travel before the Singapore move so it would basically have involved living out of a suitcase for almost all of 2013. So, ultimately, I’ve opted not to continue through the move and am now scoping out new jobs in either Tokyo or the US. Of course, I wish the best for the Voyagin team in the future!

Never a dull moment. I’ll update once I know what’s next!

P.S. since I know everyone is going to ask: rent is ¥76000 (~$760)/month, with another ¥12000 ($120) for utilities, internet, etc. Not having to deal with utility companies in a foreign language is another enormous plus.

Posted in Living in Japan | 3 Comments

Getting around (and lost) in Tokyo

Dear Chicago: how’s the hangover this morning? Happy Tuesday 🙂

Tokyo is a city designed almost entirely around the train. Car traffic is shockingly light for a city of this size, and the train stations are the primary navigational point since, for whatever reason, most streets do not actually have names. No, but really.

Your only other real options are to bike or take a taxi. The latter is only done if you don’t like your money and want to rid yourself of it as fast as possible.

Tokyo is also a flipping huge city. Logically, the train network is therefore ridiculous. In addition to being inordinately complex (more on that later), the scale is immense. According to some, half of the top 50 busiest train stations* in the world in terms of passenger throughput are in Tokyo alone. Absurd.

*Yes, we’re using this as a factual reference. Yes, there is some very questionable information here such as the omission of Grand Central Station. Just nod vigorously and don’t think about it too much.

By the entrance of Shinjuku Station. Lost? I'm sure one of these 6 navigational signs will show you the way.

By the entrance of Shinjuku Station. Lost? I’m sure one of these 6 navigational signs will show you the way.

For contrast, I grew up around San Francisco. For some reason, residents and visitors to San Francisco are under this delusion that their metro system (BART) is actually complicated. Without fail, every time I go I end up having to stop and explain to someone in excruciating detail how to ride the train to their destination. If there is a transfer involved, there is roughly a 98.3% chance that I will have to administer CPR because someone had a panic attack.

For some reason, this happens almost nowhere else to nearly the same degree. Get it together, San Francisco.

(San Francisco) Some life advice: if you think this is complicated….

…never, and I mean ever, try to handle this. (Tokyo)

To add another layer of fun to things, most of the station maps explaining prices look something like this:

Erm... konichiwa?

Erm… konichiwa? (I’m realizing now that this picture came out a little blurry. The point is that it’s all in Japanese. Subtlety loses today.)

Payment became way easier when I realized that you could just buy a card, put a ton of money on it, and let the system deduct however the heck much you owed. It only took until my 3rd trip to Tokyo to figure this out. Fail.

Allow me to attempt to explain this maze:

The subway(s)

All the things with letters in the diagram above are part of either the Tokyo Metro or the Toei subway system. There is no functional difference between these to speak of. They look, sound, act, and run exactly the same way, but the Metro is privately owned and Toei is run by the government. Practically, what this means for you and me is that you any time we want to transfer systems, we have to exit and walk a goofily long distance. Jerks.

Get walking, sucker

Get walking, sucker

Incidentally, the Tokyo Metro by itself is the busiest metro system in the world in terms of passengers transported. Seeing as it’s carrying probably less than half the people overall on that map, that should give you an idea of the size we’re working with here.

The JR

Separate to this, there is something called the Japan Rail (JR). JR is a nationwide rail company that operates the intercity bullet trains (shinkansen) and also a bunch of other lines that go all over the place with no obvious rationale for where they should go or what they should be called.

Most prominent within Tokyo is a JR line called the Yamanote line. It basically runs in a circle to all the major areas of Tokyo. It is a certifiable fact that when getting directions from a Japanese person, they will ignore the entire rest of the system and always tell you to use the Yamanote line. There are no exceptions.

Attempts to explain that another route might get you to your destination 10 minutes faster will end in you immediately and permanently becoming a social outcast. Thou shalt not question the all-encompassing goodness of the Yamanote line.

TRAVEL TIP: Foreign visitors coming to Japan should buy the JR pass before you arrive if you have any intention of leaving Tokyo. It lets you joyride all over the country at stupid fast speeds for cheap. Don’t be an idiot like me and fail to pick this up: http://www.japanrailpass.net/eng/en001.html

Same map, for use in the following exercise

Now, go click on that map and get the blown-up view of it. Look closely at all the stuff in the background. See those little background lines that go all over the place and off the page? Looks unimportant, but these guys get used just as much as all the rest.

Whether transporting commuters in from the burbs, taking you to the airport, or getting out to areas that aren’t reachable by Metro (such as the island of Odaiba), the alternate train systems of Tokyo are just as important to daily life. Some of these are JR lines. Most, I have absolutely no idea how to classify.

Side note: wikitravel’s entry on Odaiba says it features “many hypermodern and just plain strange buildings memorably described as the result of an acid-soaked pre-schooler’s architecture class”. I ❤ this description.

I’m starting to feel like I missed out on some quality education in pre-school.

To Japanese people, nothing about the scope of this setup seems strange at all. I was riding on something called the Monorail with a Japanese friend the other day and asked him what exactly the “Monorail” is? Part of the Metro? Maybe JR? Something else? He had no idea. Had never even thought to ask such a question.

The train in daily life

Some other random observations regarding the train as applies to day to day living.

-My daily commute uses a Metro line called the Fukutoshin line. Astute readers will notice that there is actually nothing called the Fukutoshin line in the linked map. As it turns out, this doesn’t turn up on the majority of maps or applications. It is the newest line in the system, so it would make sense that things haven’t been updated, excepted that it was built in NINETEEN NINETY FOUR. Get with the program, Tokyo.

-Having a ton of train lines isn’t complicated enough, so many of the train lines run several different versions that stop in different places depending on what train you get on. So far, I’ve seen trains labelled “Local”, “Express”, “Commuter Express”, “Limited Express”, “Rapid”, and “Semi-Rapid”. These all generally run the same routes but use different combinations of stops. Good luck figuring out which is which. Some trains also switch routes midway for no discernible reason.

Summary: just get on the train and just see if it happens to stop at your destination. Also, this is apparently the route for something called the Tsukuba Express. What the hell is the Tsukuba Express? It’s not on the map. I really think they’re just making things up to mess with foreigners.

-The train I commute on sometimes goes all the way to the intended destination and sometimes stops partway at Shibuya station (then turns around and goes back). Embarrassingly, I’ve twice had the situation of not paying attention and looking up 15 minutes into the commute only to realize that I was… back at the station by my office in the exact same place I had started. FAIL.

The Thesis

In conclusion, it is completely unclear how anyone ever got around here before the advent of Google Maps.

Everyone in Japan, 100% of the time, circa 1997. (Note: I have no idea if these people are Japanese. This was the best Asianish-people-looking-lost picture I could find. Get off my case.)

Most impressively, despite the whole system being a tangled web of different systems combining the government along with several private corporations, through multi-modal stations with complex transfer processes… the entire thing runs perfectly and mass apologies are given any time a train is >1 minute off of schedule.

Are you listening, Amtrak?

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